Babies Suck - Bad posted
A-ha, the long awaited Brooks-Baby-Rant article.
First of all I want to say that I mean no offense to any of my friends who have children, I just don't want them. Also, I don't hate children - in moderation. I mean, I do have some pretty rad younger cousins. So, that said, ready?
A random happy/high-pitched person says, "Oh! you've been married almost a year now? That's so great! When are you expecting kids!?"
I reply, "Oh! The little dears! Never!" *smile*
So yeah, apparently there is some book somewhere that I haven't read (obviously), and nor has Kari (surprisingly). This book apparently has this awesome master plan with step 1 being marriage and step 1.2 being pregnancy. This book sucks. It's so ridiculous and has ruined the best part of many marriages as newlyweds.
OK, let's start out at the very beginning. Kari gets pregnant, I punch a hole in a wall. This's just the start of hundreds of thousands of dollars I would be about to spend. Over the next few months we'd begin fighting and generally hating each other due to the mood-swings and neediness of a pregnant wife. Not to mention Kari's body getting all stretched and warped and marky and STRETCHED - ACK!
After a few months we'd have to plan for a baby room, paint it all... baby... and put a bunch of... baby stuff... in it. Gross. After that we'd have to baby proof our entire freaking house. Put bumpers on every corner/edge, hide everything smaller than an end-table, put plastic down, put gates up, install a cage, etc. It's all stupid. But as good upcoming parents, we'd do it all!
As the birthdate approaches, we'd have to get a car-seat, which just screams "badass!" in a sports car. However, that'll all be resolved once I trade it in for a minivan. So now I've got a car-seat AND a minivan. And as I slowly morph into Mr. Sallybags I'd make sure to get one of those "winnie the pooh" mini-blinds to keep the sun out of my baby's eyes. Add it all together and I've got a gnarly minivan, a stupid baby room, 567 accessories, and a hole in my wall. I'm like $30,000 in the hole and I don't even have a baby yet.
So now it's time for birth, gross. Seriously, GROSS. "oh honey, I can't wait to see you crap all over yourself and your..." -ew. I don't even wanna type it. I can handle some pretty gross scenarios. I'm pretty sure I've been able to gross out every single one of my friends. I've even grossed out people that have seen birth. But thinking about "that" coming out of "there" and all the nast that comes along with it. No way. Not Cool.
Continuing on... After the $10,000/$30,000 birth, we have this purple wad of mush called a baby, which everyone "oohs" and "ahs" over for some reason. I really don't understand it. Babies are ugly. Flat out ugly. And everyone knows it. You know what's cute? puppies. You know what's not? babies.
Nevertheless, everyone thinks it's cute - because it always has daddy's little nose, and mommy's smile. So we have 1,800 pictures taken of our newly delivered alien and post them to random kodak sites, put them in our wallets, hang them around the house, take them to work, show random strangers, etc. And you know what the worst part is? By this point of the whole pregnancy, parenting classes, and birth trauma I am actually excited about all this crap. Every dad somehow magically loves all this B.S. One week I'm skating, working on my car, drinking beer, going out all night, and being generally crazy. The next week I'm sitting on the couch with a baby and posting it's photos all over the world. And even worse yet, I bring my baby to my everyday activities and become "that guy with the baby."
So now I have to get this sweet baby bag that looks all... baby. along with some kind of carriage or stroller or harness - Probably all 3, toys, diapers, food, wet-naps, etc. By the time I pack up a complete survival/comfort guide for the baby I can finally put my minivan to good use - and I LOVE IT. wtf. I mean.., I get annoyed when I have to carry around my big camera, and I love my big camera. Now I have to carry an equivalent to 76 big cameras. However nothing I'm carrying looks as cool as a big camera. Oh no, it looks like baby stuff.
Man. I haven't even gotten to the really annoying stuff yet.
A. Noise. Babies cry, wail, and scream. It's annoying at it's annoyingest. Even their laugh is all high pitched and annoying. Now mix this in with your pleasant sleeping schedule. Man... I thought our dog was bad when he was a puppy, I can't imagine spreading that over months/years. Also mix your screaming baby with the general public. Why is it that parents never hear their child wailing in public? I'll tell you why. It's because that's what they live with 24/7. When you don't even notice how bad your daily life sucks... Man. Usually I'm just pissed off that the baby is ruining my meal at some restaurant, now I'm starting to feel sympathy for the parents.
2. Diapers. Oh man, diapers. I'm not a big fan of wiping my own backside - and I don't even have to look at it! Now I have to grab a child's feet, pull them back behind it's head and clean poop of pudding consistency. It's not like I pick up a turd with a scooper attached to a grocery bag. I've watched people change diapers, it's nasty, it's detailed, and it smells awful. Plus, once again, if you're in public, you now have a dirty nasty diaper with you, wtf. AND do any of you know my wife? She can barely even stand to say the word "poop" let alone squeegee it off of another person's butthole.
Nevertheless, you love your kid. You want, and basically have to stay by it all the time. You barely get a free moment with your friends, let alone your wife. So you basically don't leave the house for like 3 years. All attention is drawn to the baby. Your friends outcast you, you and your wife forget what romance is. You turn into a sally. Then you know what happens? You get excited for the 13 times a year that your baby gets to "go to grandma and grandpa's house." While it's there you get a nice night out with your wife and the only thing you can talk about is your baby. That's all you've known and thought about for months. You've been together non-stop with a baby. Chances are, you're annoyed with each other.
I've touched on it a little, but the expense of having a child is unbelievable. The more I hear about it, the more I am astonished. People are selling things that they love to be able to afford their kid. And they hate doing it. The costs of birth, food, toys, accessories, clothes, school, cars, activities, college. Man, I'm already broke and can't even afford a safe car. What makes you think I can afford a baby?
I'm speaking for kari on this one (which I tried not to do), but the last reason that a kid is probably not essential to our home - Kari is a teacher. She has like 10 kids of her own. 10 special needs kids, half of which are behavior disorder, ADHD, and generally awesome. She loves them, but her day is insane. I can't imagine coming home to more kids after her day. I mean she already has to come home to my ADD-self.
And even more finally (cover your eyes for this part) I love my wife. She is my buddy. I'd much rather spend my days focusing on our awesomeness than a child.
The sacrifices people make for a kid are unreal: monetarily, emotionally, and socially.
So if you're wondering if we're having a kid soon. No.
1. I don't want one.
2. I can't afford one.
3. I don't have time for one.
4. I don't want one.
5. The final reason: /photos/lollapalooza-06/5398/ <- That's us. Happy being us.
Once again, nothing against all my friends with kids. And nothing against my parents - I like being alive. But I don't freaking want kids. Maybe someday, I'll change my mind. Maybe someday Kari and I will get super bored with each other and the only thing to fix our immense boredom will be having a kid. But I don't see that happening, hell, we haven't even resorted to television yet. We are far from bored. So stop freaking asking and/or pushing.
First of all I want to say that I mean no offense to any of my friends who have children, I just don't want them. Also, I don't hate children - in moderation. I mean, I do have some pretty rad younger cousins. So, that said, ready?
A random happy/high-pitched person says, "Oh! you've been married almost a year now? That's so great! When are you expecting kids!?"
I reply, "Oh! The little dears! Never!" *smile*
So yeah, apparently there is some book somewhere that I haven't read (obviously), and nor has Kari (surprisingly). This book apparently has this awesome master plan with step 1 being marriage and step 1.2 being pregnancy. This book sucks. It's so ridiculous and has ruined the best part of many marriages as newlyweds.
OK, let's start out at the very beginning. Kari gets pregnant, I punch a hole in a wall. This's just the start of hundreds of thousands of dollars I would be about to spend. Over the next few months we'd begin fighting and generally hating each other due to the mood-swings and neediness of a pregnant wife. Not to mention Kari's body getting all stretched and warped and marky and STRETCHED - ACK!
After a few months we'd have to plan for a baby room, paint it all... baby... and put a bunch of... baby stuff... in it. Gross. After that we'd have to baby proof our entire freaking house. Put bumpers on every corner/edge, hide everything smaller than an end-table, put plastic down, put gates up, install a cage, etc. It's all stupid. But as good upcoming parents, we'd do it all!
As the birthdate approaches, we'd have to get a car-seat, which just screams "badass!" in a sports car. However, that'll all be resolved once I trade it in for a minivan. So now I've got a car-seat AND a minivan. And as I slowly morph into Mr. Sallybags I'd make sure to get one of those "winnie the pooh" mini-blinds to keep the sun out of my baby's eyes. Add it all together and I've got a gnarly minivan, a stupid baby room, 567 accessories, and a hole in my wall. I'm like $30,000 in the hole and I don't even have a baby yet.
So now it's time for birth, gross. Seriously, GROSS. "oh honey, I can't wait to see you crap all over yourself and your..." -ew. I don't even wanna type it. I can handle some pretty gross scenarios. I'm pretty sure I've been able to gross out every single one of my friends. I've even grossed out people that have seen birth. But thinking about "that" coming out of "there" and all the nast that comes along with it. No way. Not Cool.
Continuing on... After the $10,000/$30,000 birth, we have this purple wad of mush called a baby, which everyone "oohs" and "ahs" over for some reason. I really don't understand it. Babies are ugly. Flat out ugly. And everyone knows it. You know what's cute? puppies. You know what's not? babies.
Nevertheless, everyone thinks it's cute - because it always has daddy's little nose, and mommy's smile. So we have 1,800 pictures taken of our newly delivered alien and post them to random kodak sites, put them in our wallets, hang them around the house, take them to work, show random strangers, etc. And you know what the worst part is? By this point of the whole pregnancy, parenting classes, and birth trauma I am actually excited about all this crap. Every dad somehow magically loves all this B.S. One week I'm skating, working on my car, drinking beer, going out all night, and being generally crazy. The next week I'm sitting on the couch with a baby and posting it's photos all over the world. And even worse yet, I bring my baby to my everyday activities and become "that guy with the baby."
So now I have to get this sweet baby bag that looks all... baby. along with some kind of carriage or stroller or harness - Probably all 3, toys, diapers, food, wet-naps, etc. By the time I pack up a complete survival/comfort guide for the baby I can finally put my minivan to good use - and I LOVE IT. wtf. I mean.., I get annoyed when I have to carry around my big camera, and I love my big camera. Now I have to carry an equivalent to 76 big cameras. However nothing I'm carrying looks as cool as a big camera. Oh no, it looks like baby stuff.
Man. I haven't even gotten to the really annoying stuff yet.
A. Noise. Babies cry, wail, and scream. It's annoying at it's annoyingest. Even their laugh is all high pitched and annoying. Now mix this in with your pleasant sleeping schedule. Man... I thought our dog was bad when he was a puppy, I can't imagine spreading that over months/years. Also mix your screaming baby with the general public. Why is it that parents never hear their child wailing in public? I'll tell you why. It's because that's what they live with 24/7. When you don't even notice how bad your daily life sucks... Man. Usually I'm just pissed off that the baby is ruining my meal at some restaurant, now I'm starting to feel sympathy for the parents.
2. Diapers. Oh man, diapers. I'm not a big fan of wiping my own backside - and I don't even have to look at it! Now I have to grab a child's feet, pull them back behind it's head and clean poop of pudding consistency. It's not like I pick up a turd with a scooper attached to a grocery bag. I've watched people change diapers, it's nasty, it's detailed, and it smells awful. Plus, once again, if you're in public, you now have a dirty nasty diaper with you, wtf. AND do any of you know my wife? She can barely even stand to say the word "poop" let alone squeegee it off of another person's butthole.
Nevertheless, you love your kid. You want, and basically have to stay by it all the time. You barely get a free moment with your friends, let alone your wife. So you basically don't leave the house for like 3 years. All attention is drawn to the baby. Your friends outcast you, you and your wife forget what romance is. You turn into a sally. Then you know what happens? You get excited for the 13 times a year that your baby gets to "go to grandma and grandpa's house." While it's there you get a nice night out with your wife and the only thing you can talk about is your baby. That's all you've known and thought about for months. You've been together non-stop with a baby. Chances are, you're annoyed with each other.
I've touched on it a little, but the expense of having a child is unbelievable. The more I hear about it, the more I am astonished. People are selling things that they love to be able to afford their kid. And they hate doing it. The costs of birth, food, toys, accessories, clothes, school, cars, activities, college. Man, I'm already broke and can't even afford a safe car. What makes you think I can afford a baby?
I'm speaking for kari on this one (which I tried not to do), but the last reason that a kid is probably not essential to our home - Kari is a teacher. She has like 10 kids of her own. 10 special needs kids, half of which are behavior disorder, ADHD, and generally awesome. She loves them, but her day is insane. I can't imagine coming home to more kids after her day. I mean she already has to come home to my ADD-self.
And even more finally (cover your eyes for this part) I love my wife. She is my buddy. I'd much rather spend my days focusing on our awesomeness than a child.
The sacrifices people make for a kid are unreal: monetarily, emotionally, and socially.
So if you're wondering if we're having a kid soon. No.
1. I don't want one.
2. I can't afford one.
3. I don't have time for one.
4. I don't want one.
5. The final reason: /photos/lollapalooza-06/5398/ <- That's us. Happy being us.
Once again, nothing against all my friends with kids. And nothing against my parents - I like being alive. But I don't freaking want kids. Maybe someday, I'll change my mind. Maybe someday Kari and I will get super bored with each other and the only thing to fix our immense boredom will be having a kid. But I don't see that happening, hell, we haven't even resorted to television yet. We are far from bored. So stop freaking asking and/or pushing.
comments
this is by far the best article ever written
kevin posted
fuck babies. I hate them
tanner posted
i agree with kevin.
vic posted
Did you say "love"? I thought for sure that was in the list of censored words.
cedric posted
hmmm, "love" must be one of those randomly generated censorship words for something much worse... like jonk, and joink.
derek posted
The best part is that I have friends who have pretty good reasons for not having kids, with reasons rooted in population growth, personal goals, and some other shit. Your list is mostly gross-out and annoying stuff. I propose a new betting pool at work -- number of years until you and Kari look at the kids in her class and realize you could do it better.
You know I normally hate on all shit, too, so this is completely out of left field. But I've got faith in your not-having-kids choice, and I think you'd pull it off if you switched strategies.
miguel posted
IF you buy a minivan. I'll square punch you right in the baby maker so you'll never have babies.
nathan posted
i can't wait for you to look back on this article..
harper posted
You forgot to consider one thing: people fall all over themselves to give you free stuff. Clothes and toys and food and all kinds of stuff. Grandparents are the best at that, they love to give all kinds of things, including free babysitting time, which gives you and your honey time to enjoy your awesomeness.
Mr SallyBags posted
This was a great laugh! Couldn't agree with you more!
Jenn posted
M(iguel)H: i have also argued each one of those things in the debates that i've come up with. i have lots more ammo like that. in fact, personal goals is probably really the number one reason that i don't want kids. i've got big goals set in my life, and as my friends with kids have said, they barely have time to work on their own personal sites... let alone pursue any big time goals.
i've argued the population growth thing as well, however it's not as much of a concern of mine. i mean... you're talking to a guy who doesn't vote, ha.
Mr Sally Bags: so a good reason to have kids would be because i can count on handouts from grandparents and friends to handle all of the negative aspects mentioned above?
derek posted
dude
A: i completely agree and
2: i completely agree
nick posted
Just admit it you dont want any kids because ur a nener head...
cliff posted
It's way more fun to not have kids. One thing for sure, I plan on never having a planned kid.
It's a good idea have a plan for what to do when an unplanned kid arises.
Josh posted
Woah. I'm never telling you when Zach and I have kids!!! ;)
Amy posted
I <3 U and Kari.
I am so sick of society pressuring couples to reproduce!
When I tell people I doubt I'll have children, they look at me like flesh is melting away from my body. I'm not the crazy one in this particular situation. I know myself quite well to know that I want: a good career, lovely house, an awesome car (not kid-friendly), couple more dogs, to travel, to go out to dinner without worrying about a sitter... I am selfish right now and not saying that will last forever,
but it might and I'm ok with that.
I know that unborn child thanks me for not raising them.
Nicole posted
"You know what's cute? puppies. You know what's not? babies."
Exactly, English Bulldogs, 2 of them!
so now I don't want kids. Thought about it, derek brought up good points and I like to golf... even though I suck at it.
Jordan posted
...so I'm guessing I shouldn't count on any neices or nephews anytime soon.
Bre'anna posted
One day I am going to need a babysitter, I know I can count on you buddy!!!
Jeff posted
ok i have a few things to say. a) hilarious 2) i think you might go to hell
Julie funky et posted
<ImALLin> my wife has mapped out a "kids eat free" schedule
mh: the US population is going to hit 300 million this week
derek posted
Kudos on your great piece...I totally agree 100% on basically everything you said (I do have a mini-van, but I got it for next to nothing and it runs great).
My wife is also my best friend (a beautiful Florida-native surfer chick), and our "kids" are a chocolate Lab and some-sort-of-midget- Basset-Corgi-mix.
Next week, I'm GETTING FIXED !!!
(WOO-HOO !)and my insurance co-pay is only $20 !! Thank God health insurance companies are smart enough to see this as a good "investment" (thus saving them thousands in the long run).
Scott C. posted
you're so right...babies are a mistake!
kim posted
hahaha this is the best article ever...i hate babies!
kare posted
i agree with kim
kari posted
And I worry about having enough money for myself to live a decent life. Now I don't think I want kids. XD
SonicSoaper posted
I'm so sick of people looking down on us because we don't like or don't want kids. It's annoying.
Christina Hutsell posted