It may seem weird that I have so much to say about bathrooms. However, if you think about it, you spend a fair amount of time in a bathroom. Seriously, you're in there at least 5 times every single day. It's something that everyone does but never really talks about the politics of. This is the exact reason that I've written my "theories" or thoughts about things that happen in restrooms.

If you haven't read my other bathroom rants, here they are:

My Bathroom Theory (No. 1): Washing Your Hands
My Bathroom Theory (No. 2): The Toilet Seat

Moving on...

Urinals. Urinals are seriously designed to be one of the most awkward pieces of ceramic ever. They (combined with men's restrooms) are the worst-thought-out design ever. I mean think about it. Standing 8 inches away from a complete stranger while holding your weiner is a pretty weird situation to be in. And it becomes even more awkward depending on conversation - or lack thereof.

If you choose to talk, what do you talk about? "So, how about that Cubs game?" "Nice Pants." The best that I've heard is, "Weh-h-h-ell, looks like great bladders pee in unison." It's really tough to come up with a conversation while urinating next to some guy you don't know.

The other option is complete silence. That's just as awkward because then you feel like you need to be looking at something. However, if the bathroom has nothing to look at, where do you look? In no situation whatsoever should you EVER look anywhere in the general direction of your urinal mate! Never! You just don't do it. You build an imaginary wall in-between yourselves. So now, your choices are to look, up, down, straight ahead, or the opposite direction. And even worse yet, what if someone's on the other side of you? You're pretty much screwed!

So Now you're standing there stuck with this weird vertical axis for your head to move along. Your choices are seriously limited. One thought that just came to mind in writing this is: close your eyes, haha. Just stand there and close your eyes and slightly hang your jaw open. -wait don't do that.

So what do you do? I generally look down to make sure I'm aiming correctly. Because one time, haha - wow. I think the best way to handle this requires 2 things. Well, actually it requires about 2 dozen things, but for now, let's start with 2. Urinal owners, place reading material above all urinals! Not every-other urinal. Remember the imaginary wall? I can't be looking at my neighbor's urinal publication, I need my own. I don't care what it is, I've seen newspapers, TVs, posters, fishtanks, windows, and even advertisements. This is a chance for you to make some extra money! Please take advantage of this. Now, as the urinal user, you need to treat this situation like driving a car; face forward and check your mirrors every once in a while. I don't mean check behind you... although if you're a friend of mine - well that's a different story. Face forward, read the material, and look down to make sure you're a marksman.

The worst urinal/bathroom design I've seen is this. Have you ever heard of a bathroom with a half-wall in it? If not, picture this: you walk into a bathroom and see a 4 foot tall wall lined with urinals. If the bathroom is empty, you won't notice that the other side of the wall is also lined with urinals. However, if the bathroom is full. You can bet that you will be standing face to face with a complete stranger, weiners in hand. That is 100%, completely uncalled for. I mean, wtf.

Another horrible urinal idea, relating to awkwardness: troughs. Now instead of standing next to a guy each using our own personal urinals, we've got 12 guys peeing in the same urinal. It is literally impossible to not see at least a half dozen weiners in this situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a homophobe, and I've seen my fair share of weiners. But that situation is just straight up weird! Especially if you're standing at the ends - you've just seen 11 other weiners.

If you have a typical bathroom with typical urinals, always choose an odd numbered urinal, unless there is a dude in there already who chose an even one. Then you have options. The best option is probably to choose another even numbered urinal. Just think fast and try to position yourself so that when the next guy walks in, he also has his space.

The next thing about urinals is splashback. Where do you aim? Obviously you aim inside of the urinal, but where do you aim? Lately I've been standing slightly to one side and aiming for the side. That way everything glides around the wall into the urinal, without splash. Sometimes you can aim for the water, and sometimes just the back wall. But I've found that in most of those situations, you're bound to get some on your pants.

One time I went to the restroom with some parachute-ish, light, fabric pants. I don't know the material exactly, but they were the type of pants that if you got 1 droplet on them, it would spread out about 10 times the size of the droplet. So I use the urinal without checking my mirrors and find out that I got quite a few droplets on them. A couple seconds later, it nearly looked like I wet my pants! So I walked out to find my wife standing there wondering if I even made it to the urinal. My point: horrible design. Since that day I've probably come up with 5 completely splash-proof urinals. Some are normal, others are "designer" urinals, for clubs, etc.

However, until I can figure out how to prototype, present, and sell these urinal designs, I've found out that the best existing urinals for reduced splashback are... wait for it - the kiddie urinals. Seriously, the lower the urinal, the more you can angle your stream along the back of the urinal and get virtually 0 splashback. Even if you do get splashback, you'll have wet knees or shins rather than a wet crotch. No one notices that. Another benefit of the short urinals, they are always either the first or last urinal... so you're always on the end - reducing the odds of an awkward urinal mate. Plus, nobody wants to pee next to the weirdo at the short urinal.